Him: Im disappointed that you arent trying to improve your diet the way I said. You: NOT YOUR CALL.. Things that actually help, like making me food, or cuddling me and telling me how great I am, or watching funny videos with me, or playing Who Let the Dogs Out (I dont care if its the Worst Song of All Time, it ALWAYS improves my mood). Once we finally separated, my depression has not returned. Validation. Reactions based on internal, undisclosed standards isnt about keeping score, but it does have an effect, LW, and youve been feeling it: uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety around their approval. But it still got on my last nerve, and undermined my motivation to develop healthy habits. Im also in a place where I need to learn to feel good about myself and yet am in a home environment where I hear waaaay more criticism, scrutiny, and you should/shouldnts instead of support. How does this affect you? is a lot nicer than what Id end up saying. Want to have breakfast next Saturday/Catch up by Skype or phone soon? Since it sounds like your family might not be supportive, avoid them for now, and avoid all people who tend to make you feel small or sap your energy or who have the same bossy/halping tendencies as your boyfriend. This does not sound like how you want to be loved, or being loved for who you are, but who someone thinks you should be. So, think about how much of this does or does not seem to fit. This would be crappy behavior from a parent toward a child, even. Theyre angry with the situation, but love & respect their partner. As a result, I let him pick most of our destinations for dates, because I wasnt going to invite him someplace and then push him to pay for me. Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. I suspect a lot of commenters are going to scream angry bees, run away, and theyre not wrong; your partners behavior is a bit like tiger stripes in tall grass: it looks like one thing (concern for you) but might be something far less pleasant. What he isnt doing for you anymore is working to make the relationship work! Thank you. ?, I have to step back and tell myself, hes an adult and its his path to choose, the choice I get to make is whether to help him in the way he wants to be helped, or try to control things. When I was in my early 20s I was a mess. Focus on your own emotional, spiritual, and physical health. If a guy doesnt offer to pay, he doesnt care about impressing you. It sounds like your boyfriend has a dysfunctional relationship with your illness. 1. Dynamitochondria, I really have nothing useful to add to that link, except I have been there, and it sucks. Its okay to stay, BUT IT IS ALSO OKAY TO GO. If you want to impress them you try to look decent, plan something that sounds fun, and offer to pay. And who makes that clear to you. ! and but Ive been running for 40 minutes 3-5 times a week for months and I dont feel *any* better (in fact, in many ways I feel *worse*), what is WRONG with me? It took me FOREVER to figure out, on my own, that a partner who was contributing nothing to the relationship and refused to take steps that would get him on the path to feeling able to contribute, was not someone I needed in my life. I am an overly logical person. Something that I tried with my own Helper from several years ago I took him with me to a therapist appointment. Your Mileage May Vary. Can I have a word of encouragement when you have a moment?, hell send me a You can do this or I believe in you when he gets the chance, which is all I really need. Even if improvement is made, it wont be enough to him, and he can still be in charge. And they dont need to be The Worst for you to decide you dont want to be in this relationship anymore. If it were me five years ago, when my self esteem was non-existent, and I were reading this comment thread, my heart would be sinking to my shoes at the very notion of a breakup, because I dont want to be alone for life and who could ever love me again if I screw this up? Look again at your list the next day and revise it. So in order to save your relationship, you need to find out what is going on and take corrective action if necessary. By the time our relationship came to an end, we fought about the stupidest things, because we were both really fighting over who got to decide how I behaved. He is actively undermining your success and your ability to feel safe, loved, and healthy. Do you want my help with remembering to do X? This is particularly irritating to me as walking is such good exercise! As I recovered from the depression we had a couple of myob talks about lunch time menus, weight and health (soup was a bit of a red herring here). And while many of the attributes of that you do coincide with the you you aspire to be, it isnt necessarily a great overlap. Hi LW I havent read through the comments yet, so maybe this has been covered (probably it has, the Awkwardeers are brilliant), but I couldnt not weigh in on this because I have been where you are and it sucks, and now I am somewhere else where it sucks a whole lot less, so if you dont mind, perhaps a view from the other side would be helpful? My BF was genuinely not a bad guy. Dear Carolyn: Although we've had sex before, my boyfriend of two years has zero interest in sex with me or anyone else. The Captains comment, For a relationship to survive a crisis like that, you have to like the person (not just love them) and respect the person (not just love them) especially rings true for me. Also, are his goals for you actually about you or are they all about him? 15 Signs He Has Stopped Making an Effort If you are experiencing some or all of the following signs, it could be that your boyfriend has stopped making an effort: 1. These are pretty direct statements. Couldnt. I have always had trouble wrapping my mind around the idea of not wanting to be comfortable. This is a good question for a conversation with your boyfriend if indeed thats what has been going on! I dont think relationships where somebody tries to mold you into their vision of you are a good thing. Especially when someone you love isnt ready or isnt currently up to taking steps for their own well-being. If you can see your fine self, he might fear that you he has to keep you under his thumb to keep you by his side. As the Captain and some of the Army have said, sometimes people need a bit of time to reset themselves mentally from caretaker, and weird things can stand in for anxiety about another person. He would critique all of my eating habits (If I ate a piece of candy, he would yell about how it is full of lard! and I would sit in front of him and make lots of eye contact and say Tasty tasty lard. The closest he comes is But that doesnt make sense! Which, you will notice, does not contain the word you. A person who is engaged in actual logicking is thinking about statements, not persons, nor how much better they are than you. How does this affect you? It makes me feel bad when you dont eat your vegetables because I caaaaaaaaaaare about you.. When I struggle with depression, I am fighting back against the numbness that settles over my body and mind standing up for yourself and your own care is such a wonderful and inspiring thing, wishing you all the best! He always wants to know the reasons behind them (which admittedly is sometimes frustrating), because he wants to know, not because he wants to prove Why I Am Wrong. Finally I flat out refused. Anonymous. He says that he still loves me even if I dont do these things (but it doesnt feel that way to me). Yeah, he sounds like the things my Jerkbrain says when I am doing a really good job in my life and my asshole brains like YEAH well, itll never be good enough, SO! He also sounds like the physical (/verbal) manifestation of Compulsive Skin Picking which is *literally* a process by which I pick myself apart. Totally. What it shows is that, really, the storytellers have no idea what your problem works or feels like. I have been with my husband for 23 years, and he is chronically clinically depressed. Clear your mind and take a step back, try not to have any irrational thoughts. Certainly housework affects him, but what LW eats and how much she exercises doesnt. Why dont we call it quits, then, and see if somebody else might not make you happier?. Sometimes I hope that these people (whose letters and calls make me very sad for them sometimes) read the message they just sent, or listen to the sound of their own voice, and realize before the response even comes that its time to DTMFA. That is some high-level head games. Demand constant direct Snaps, video calls, phone calls and dedicated videos. 4. Maybe Im projecting too much from my own experiences because your boyfriend sounds like my jerkbrain incarnate (btw, my jerkbrain is interested in my eating and exercise mostly because it thinks I should lose weight, hmmm), but this letter bummed me out because it sounds like you are making some great personal progress and your boyfriend is sandbagging you instead of giving you high fives and wtf is that about? The relationship is no longer going anywhere, Ill let you have your way simply so we can stop talking about it. But when you mention that you wish your partner would eat healthier to be healthier, that's OK. Because he loves you and wants to see you shine for your own sake? Something stuck out to me in your letter, you said your boyfriend thinks that if you do your healthy self improvement things then he wont have to deal with you having depression. While you sort out how you feel about continuing in the relationship, my suggested script for when your boyfriend starts telling you what to do or expressing his disappointment in you is I dont like it when you act like my Life Coach, please stop telling me what I should eat/do/how I should exercise, and/or From now on, I dont want you to tell me how to change or improve myself, at all. Be blunt and say the things that are on the tip of your tongue: No. Its an unfortunate reality that some couples are couples not because they are passionately in love, but because its easier to stay together than it is to break up. One of the reasons my partner has my trust when it comes to medicine things and my parents do not is because when I say to them I am trying this new thing for X, because my doctor thinks it will do Y without causing Z side effect my partner replies with Cool, hope it kicks in and helps you feel better, let me know if you need me to do anything and my parents reply with a long list of reasons Doctor Oz thinks that its the most evil drug in the world and how can your doctor be competent if theyre prescribing this drug that moms degree from Google University taught her to think is bad?. Whatever you could do today is enough. but its not like, oh man, now that I exercise I never feel sad! We ended up breaking up about a year later. Now youre healing and getting better, and he doesnt have the control he used to! I was your boyfriend (not literally but, you know, in the way he acts) with my ex-wife. I spent most of my life not being good enough for some reason or another and its a way for some one to exert control by keeping you off balance. You need figure out what makes you happy, and start doing that. Hi all, My boyfriend and I have been going out now little over 2yrs, we've had our ups and downs but through it all we've stuck together but the last few months he has focused all his attention and efforts into his car and job, and I've no problem with it as long as he can still make a bit time for me even if its jus a call in the eveing or a text like I fully support him with everything . Affection is not only limited to physical touch -- he may also avoid showing affection through words. [6] Say something like, "I've noticed you've been a little distant lately. It took someone else to look horrified and reading the archives of CA or me to realise he would continue to hurt me because he didnt care about Actual me and my Actual feelings but the Girlfriend who he had in his head that bore no relation to who I was at all. This a) allows me to see places that I normally wouldnt be able to get to (much of Europe and North America, selected bits of South America, Asia, Australia), b) floods the brain weasels with new impressions without having to get out of the house (and the more impressions I stuff my brain with, the less it falls into the same old ruts), and c) it completely turns the I have to sit on a stationary bike and stare at a wall for twenty minutes around on its head: its now a case of I can explore [cool place] for twenty minutes at my own pace without much effort and Im quite often annoyed when I have to stop. Exercise will make you physically exhausted as well as mentally, and can make your moods tank even harder. The best way to spark your boyfriend's interest and get him to call and text you again is to start genuinely loving your life. Weve been through some really hard times and some very good and stable times. I agree with the Captains scripts! Not once, not twice, but every time you call. But I do also think the LW is getting quite enough You should from their boyfriend. Either he doesnt realize how much of a Ricardo Cabeza hes being and will totally back off when you state your boundaries, or hell double down and youll know that hed much rather be a Helper and Fixer than actually love you for you right now. Theyre frustrated with an inability to help, but love & respect their partner. Theres also a significant element of what he wants/feels entitled to in there. Wow, boyfriend is definitely being the jerk here. I know plenty of people who want to be helpful but dont really know how. When its not great, things like this are no longer handled delicately If hes yelling at you over small things, there is no way his head is still in it. I thought I had some obligation to stay friends. I feel like you are in some way owning your low moods and that makes me glad. Regarding being able to change people: LWs boyfriend is *technically* correct if he continues with his controlling behaviour, it will almost certainly change the LW just not into the the happy, healthy LW he is trying to sell them. But it can be useful to remember that the other person may be engaged in a positive struggle to live their life, even if looks maddeningly like the opposite from outside. Let's discuss four things that happen when you actually stop chasing a man and how this affects the relationship. Because Im sure youve got enough I shoulds running through your head without him adding to the list. We sat side by side on the couch, and he told my therapist how much he loved me, how much he wanted to help me, and how much it hurt him to see me suffering. Listen to Leah Robins and the Captain if he loves you, he will work with you, and you will be able to laugh together even during the darkest moments of your lives. Remind you when I see its not done? It can help to be accountable, and say to someone else hey, Im having trouble doing this Thing, so can you help me by setting a time to do Thing together?, but only if this is a need *you* have identified, and its *your* solution that youre asking to put in place. My husband is in a club that meets once a month when he has that meeting I have Chipotle for dinner. Just looking at those two sentences beside each other without anything else made me realize how ridiculous they sound. You are healing, why shouldnt your home and your relationship be a place you can feel comfortable? This is not a democracy. It can be a nice, easy way to do social. I knew I was terribly unhappy, but I felt like maybe our problems were our fault and if maybe I could just find the *right* way to ask for respect >.<, So yeah I agree like 99% that this is a DTMFA situation. Weve broken up now and I think its safe to say were both much, much happier. Walking is brilliant (assuming you have the spoons and physical ability to do it) its gentler on your joints than a lot of other cardio, you dont need special clothing, and its free. He used to love calling you his girlfriend, he never missed an opportunity to flaunt you off as if everyone was supposed to know that this time its serious. After that I dated someone briefly who dismissed everything thing I pointed to as evidence of our vast incompatibility with the shibboleth that relationships take work! Yes, they do take tending and attention, but working on our relationship isnt going to fix things like your habit of borrowing money from me and never paying it back or getting angry when I need time alone. 03/25/2018 20:22 Subject: Re:My boyfriend stopped having sex with me. managed to pollute both the minds and the bodies of the American people, but he meant well. ME. If he only does that with yours, thats not being logical, thats being a dick. You can also find out through careful observation of his actions. He thought (for a couple of reasons) that it was a scam (as did my Dad who lent me the money to go to the course). Many sympathies. Its scary breaking up with someone when yr already in a vulnerable headspace, but it is very possible that you will actually feel waaaay better without this dude in the picture. Controlling never helps this situation, taking care of me and then helping him as he asks to be helped is what helps this situation. Its just really hard to take that final step sometimes, and back off, but its exactly what I need to do. And remember you are AWESOME for taking care of yourself and making such good progress. That there is no end in sight, no real goal. By your own admission, youve already made a lot of progress in therapy, and I would suggest that removing his constant nagging about all of your decisions would help you make a lot more. This is all controlling behavior, and maybe turning abusive. Weve worked hard to become partners in his health and Ive definitely made some missteps along the way. Examine your behavior. It sounds terrible. Remote kissing device for long-distance lovers, invented and patented by Chinese university student in Changzhou City.The mouth-shaped module, served as an inducing area . Despite all this he was in many ways not a bad guy. Thanks you! When people get all up on how logical and not swayed by petty emotions they are, I always end up thinking about the narrator of Ancillary Justice an AI whos been programmed with emotions because they *allow her to make better decisions*. LW: I feel you so much in this. I hope you find your way to a nagging-free home, one way or another. Dont sit around waiting for his call or text message because it could go on all day without either of you saying anything at all to each other just texts back and forth that dont really say much if hes not initiating the conversation himself. How much cleaning does HE do? I told my dude that when I dont eat I get crankier and that I need to eat and i specifically told him that if I try to get out of eating he should provide me with food. This doesnt sound like theyre frustrated, and it doesnt sound like theyre experiencing personal distress. It kind of seems like he is very invested in being the one in control of your life and success, and that is at great odds with your wish to be the captain of your own ship, as it were. I need you to scrub the toilet is reasonable you need to do more vigorous exercise isnt. Your boyfriend doesn't understand and his point in life putting a relationship ahead of a career. They do sound like exactly what Id say, though, if I were the type to try and manipulate my partner into getting thinner and doing all the housework. 2) Even if being prompted to do things like eat better food, exercise to work off stress etc was beneficial to you..its still wrong and bad to do it without an agreement, ESPECIALLY when the promptee has explicitly asked the other person to not do it. Walking is much better for me, sure it isnt strenuous (seriously, WTF????) In detail. Its ok to say hey, just keeping my head above water is all Im capable of at the moment, no challenges for me right now.. LW, your story really, really made the back hairs of my neck stand up. He explains that his current girlfriend has a dog that she kept after she and her ex broke up. He had a car and I didnt, and I didnt live near public transportation. I am going to assume that dude loves you and just wants to help you get better because he knows you want to get better.. 3 Turn-Ons & Major Turn-Offs, 3 Reasons Why Men Pull Away (And 1 Way To Win Him Back). He wanted me to try a sip of his tea. When I was in a very similar situation, my ex could talk for days about how my not meeting his standards affected him. OTOH, healthy eating and exercise are also always promoted as the big pop-cultural panaceas for depression and are indeed helpful tools for some people, sometimes, but unfortunately mesh far too well with the cultural meme that people are only sick (or fat) because theyre lazy, greedy or just Not Trying Hard Enough. Its inexcusable in any of those forms!!! You see, even though neither of us is a terrible person and we both had really good intentions and cared for each other, we had gotten into a deep pattern of being good for each other (even though we werent) and supporting [Partner] (even though we werent) and staying together because we needed that (even though we didnt). Hlepy people may accept correctionor they may not. You should always have an independent life that doesnt revolve around anyone else. Its not that men suddenly become secretive when they lose interest in their relationship, its that men are not by nature sharers of information in the same way females are. Attend an anger management program with a trained instructor. Love is out there girls, just make sure you are attentive and smart when it comes to a long distance roller coaster ride. (sadly I live in the UK and our sun is not plentiful enough!). Which is precisely what he sounds like. Sorry, it posted before I was done. What are some of the relationship killers that might have led him to this point? It epitomizes an important, or even THE important element of a relationship. Do not wait until the stress of dealing with him makes your fingers itch for a sharp object (or whatever). Now! The world outside of math isnt like that. Not many people at soup kitchens are gonna want to hear Dude mansplain to them how they can improve their lives. Like theyd be SO PERFECT IF THEY DID A B AND C. Unfortunately, the reality is that they are not there. Whether it was a lot or a little, it will carry you to tomorrow. They write because stuff is horrible and awful and they cant work out how to fix it (without breaking up). When in reality there was an awful lot of family abandoning and not marrying your pregnant girlfriend going on in the past as well. what if what if what if?!?! Look, Im sure there are people out there who respond to tough love or whatever bullshit he thinks he is doing, but frankly, Ive never met someone struggling with depression and low self-esteem who did. Youll be happier and lighter without the constant criticism and monitoring, and hell be happier with someone who has the qualities he wants in his new, improved partner (or hell find a willing victim for Coach Body Police: Infinity Annoying Steps To the New You!). LW, your bf sounds like my ex bf with the bone deep conviction that you should always be allowed to comment on your sos appearance and choices and exercise and work ethic. Then, repeat what you want him to do and make the boundary plain: I hear you, but I want to be clear: I dont want you to do that anymore., Please stop correcting me and advising me., I appreciate all the help and support youve given me, but I actually need to navigate this on my own., I dont like it when you tell me what to do., The Silent Treatment is really not cool., Youre not the boss of how I eat or exercise, and I think its going to be healthier going forward if you stop monitoring that stuff and if I stop reporting it to you as if you are my nutritionist or trainer.*, I dont need you to change me or to be right about this, I just need you to love me and trust me to do the right thing for myself., I realize I was in bad shape for a while, but as I try to get better, Id like it if you would stop monitoring all these things about me and just found a way to enjoy my company., You may be right about that, but Id still like to handle this on my own without your input., I know you want to help, but I would like to set a boundary around advice-giving. I saw progress though, and it made it easier to wade though until it was resolved. Ideas which involve me policing my SOs behavior, rather than my SO doing it for themselves those ideas both take agency from my SO, and attempt to make their behavior my responsibility. Or maybe your boyfriend hasnt really been invested from the beginning and what seemed like an effort on his part was simply because he felt obliged to try since you gave him such strong signals early on. I grew up with people who were allergic to being encouraging. When things are at their worst, do you still make each other laugh, do you still turn to each other and see each other as someone with much to offer, do you still treat each other with affection and find pleasure in each others company? Because if Im honestly doing it to help, I should do (and should want to do only) what is actually going to be helpful. He is not the boss of you, and something in you has woken up to that. They are not partner micro-managing tools. Like, it is AWESOME if you ate a bunch of vegetables that you wanted to eat because you thought they sounded delicious and healthy, and it is also and equally AWESOME if you.. ahem did not. Talk to your boyfriend in a quiet, calm setting. If your boyfriend doesnt respect your new boundaries (hope he does! Applauding your friends and remembering this one for future use. #687: My boyfriend wont stop trying to fix me. You can tell that he isnt as into you anymore because of the lack of physical contact between both of you. What would you like me to do or say? We will come times ask specifics if I see you doing X or Y would you like me to say or do anything?, We will also talk about our fears: I dont want to come across as a nagging partner or like Im your mom, so Im comfortable saying this, but only once.. 3. Coaches and therapists and teachers also operate with professional distance and ethics that dont mix with romance. 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Me to a nagging-free home, one way or another actively undermining your success and your ability to feel,!

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